What do you think…Advice

IMG_1054Ila,
You gotta listen to this song by mumford and sons. It is the soundtrack to this part of my personal movie. It is a little obscure (lyrics below) but it is about losing the love of his life cause she is choosing her dreams/goals over him and how their kids are gonna learn to protect themselves against women (insert the right gender for my situation).
Susanna, (my daughter) misses him desperately. ¬†She is not gonna let anyone else in. ūüė¶
Love you
**SEE SONG LYRICS BELOW**

oh my word…those lyrics are epic. I’ll look up the song on-line and see if I can listen to it. So sorry about the pain you and Susanna are experiencing.

Susanna will become a beautiful young woman who let’s the right people in and although she may make others prove their love, perhaps that is her walk in this life to do so. Anotherwords, without sounding crass or insensitive, I often wondered why some of the children I would assist at the school went through such “unlucky” or “unfair” situations.

Why was it their harsh lessons to learn at such a young age?

But then I’d think about all I’d been through and some of the unfair situations that crossed my path when I was a youth. Due to my studious nature and deep desire to continually learn, those situations became my teacher…my teacher for the bigger situations around the corner that I would face. Without the smaller teachers, I would have faltered during the larger lessons or even when the “attacks” of life came.

I guess what I’m saying is, the greater picture or the larger vantage point reminded me that not all of these kids were going to grow up to become Homeless Liaisons like I was…some had paths I could NEVER take nor understand and so…they had to learn lessons beyond my own comprehension.

I had to not ask the question why, but rather the question, how.

How am I to play a part? How am I supposed to guide and nurture? How am I to be the best of myself and therefore be whatever it is they need (even in a small way) to prepare them for their future quests?

Big or small, the pain, suffering, joy and laughter are just setting us up for our tomorrows and how we will walk through them.

Susanna is highly intelligent & loves to learn….I am so VERY thankful for that.

sincerely,
ila

**Subject: Monster**
So we were up
Thowin’ dice in the dark
I saw you late, last night, come to harm
I saw you dance in the devil’s armsThe night kept coming
Really nothing I could do
Eyes with a fire, unquenched, by peace
Curse the beauty, curse the queenSo we come
To a place of no return
Yours is the face, that makes my body burn
And here is the name that our sons will learn:
Curse the beauty, curse the queen
Curse the beauty, leave me

So when you’re weak
When you are on your knees
I’ll do my best, with the time, that’s left
Sworn with your spirit, you’re fully fleshed

So fuck your dreams
And don’t you pick at our seams
I’ll turn into a monster for you, If you pay me enough
None of this counts, a few dreams, plowed up

So we come
To a place of no return
Yours is the face, which makes my body burn
And here is the name, that our sons will learn:
Curse the beauty, curse the queen
Curse the beauty, leave me

Riding in cars with boys and crying


Photo0667I’ve been crying for the past couple of hours. I don’t know how to explain it. I won’t even try. All I know is my heart just exploded for my father whom i don’t really know, but i just realized a completely new perspective…his. ¬†You see I always thought I understood what was going on in this planet and I suppose prided myself in understanded where others where coming from, but men where a bit of mystery to me…that was before the the movie ” Riding in cars with boys” invaded my scences. ¬†This 2001 movie had flown under my radar because frankly put, I probably wasn’t ready to watch it. To the neive viewer the true essence might just pass you by, but I sit here weeping because for me, I finally saw something I’d never thought of seeing before.

IMAG_0335

When I was singing in New Orleans, I passed by Steve Zahn & later he was enjoying my bands music twiddling his finger in the air in appreciation. At the time, I recognized him as that “funny guy” but as of tonight, now he’s the actor who portraid levels of sensativity that has brought me to absolute tears. Someone who was able to embody the sensativity of that of a man who struggles with addition and wants so desperatly to love his children…maybe the best way is to remove himself from their lives…watching Steve play the role of a father who under the spell of drugs left his family and his only son. He finally see his only boy again….his epically sweet, smart and suddle smerk was enough to … I don’t know… bring understanding to even this battered and bruised ego. I finally saw what possibly my own father has been feeling all these years. How can a man who has 4 beautiful daughters and one loving adoring son leave and turn his back? Maybe, because like that of the man Steve Zahn portrade, was in a position to know better. To know that it was best to walk away before things got worse. I’ve always been mad about why my dad left and now my own two marriages later I, of course, see myself quitly blaming him and my mother at times for my decitions, which seems silly…but now, maybe it’s a bit more understandable.

The look in Steves face when he says the words to his son that it was best that he left, dropped me completely. In every since of the word. I felt my heart colaps and my mind flashed to every father-daughter scene I could remeber almost faster than I could bare…something about his innocent and “wanting to do right” look cut me … cut me deep. oh shit…

I now have more pitty on my biological father than I have ever before. I’m not mad, but I ¬†understand and it is almost unbareable. Unbareable to step or walk in his shoes. To live with an addiction, no matter what it is, is an incopacitating alment that you KNOW is stealing from you … you actually watch everything you love leave your hands…willingly…but against your will. And to know that everything or everyONE is better off without you in the picture is got to be the hardest decition any man could ever make.

Parents love doesn’t die. But sometimes that means because they are not perfect, the leaste they can do is walk away. It’s not because they hate us, but because it’s what’s best. I’m an absolute teary mess tonight…because my dad walked away a long time ago and I’m just now getting it.

 

The classic, relaxed, gamer Seattle Bride

I recently shot a beautiful brides wedding in Seattle WA. I’d known the groom since he was a pre-teen and I couldn’t be more pleased when they asked me to attend the wedding. His bride (now wife! Craziness how time does¬†fly…) was stunning. Their wedding was the lavish Rose Garden with the reception by the ocean. They added sweet touches here and there creating a relaxed and classy garden-lace theme…it was a fantastic combination. I had a wonderful time shooting it. This wedding…out of all the weddings I’ve ever shot…absolutly WINS hands down for food. I STUFFED my pre-wedding bridal face and didn’t even care about the possible inches I was adding that I’d have to work off in the coming weeks in order to fit my own perfect wedding dress…my taste buds couldn’t get enough. PERFECT blends.

Her venue where the amazing Seattle food was:DSC_0086

Seattle Garden were picture backdrop options were endless: (I’ll only post a few, but OH MY there’s sooo many more I could share!)

DSC_0321 DSC_0064 DSC_0139

Her shoes I loved because they were made with love by her sister and oh-so creative: I’m obsessed…

DSC_0231 DSC_0234 DSC_0240 DSC_0283 DSC_0246 DSC_0244 DSC_0242 DSC_0270 DSC_0283 DSC_0704 DSC_0454 DSC_0453

Little hints she gave that made their day really “their” day:

The bridal party and the brides parents played a guessing game before the big walk down the aisle while they hid in the brush (quit literally!) I was instructed not to make the bride feel too “watched” so I was super happy I got a chance to capture this family moment. AND BONUS! It really relaxed everyone! They were very distracted and REALLY into their game…it was hilarious.

DSC_0022

The bridal party had a guys vs. girls tournament in the gazebo¬†just moments before this signing the marriage license moment was captured. They raised their honored weapons (fairy wands and swords that represented the playful love and relationship of the newlyweds) in a “protective” knights in shining armor way. Again, the bride really knows her friends…they all laughed and continued to enjoy their romantically fun-filled day to honor their friends.

DSC_0025

DSC_0019

The bride and groom found each other in the midst of battle…too cute.

DSC_0341

DSC_0005Another game-lovers choice…scrabble rings of love.
DSC_0121 DSC_0120

DSC_0119

They do love their games, so these blocks were¬†the CLEAR choice winner for this couple when it came to their guest book. EVERYONE was talking about this added touch all night…not only did guests enjoy the creative way they could leave their signature stamp of approval, but they knew the couple would play this game in the future and re-visit their names, re-live their special day and think fondly of each person in attendance.

DSC_0106DSC_0116

Simple decor reflects the entire no-fuss attitude of the event…bright gerbera daisies were the PERFECT fit for the happy, relaxed & playful with classic twist waterfront¬†atmosphere the couple strove for with their pop of green and orange colors.

DSC_0124

DSC_0051 DSC_0093 DSC_0106DSC_0107

They love dinasorse…enough said. For them…absolute cuteness and heaven.
DSC_0069

No pictures of the food…sorry folks. I sent them a few shots of it, but they wouldn’t let me work anymore because they wanted me to eat and enjoy myself. Every time I tried to sneak a food display shot or get up to take picture of the evenings events I got the bride stare-down,¬†so of course, I complied & sat right back down…she was like a hawk! I was forced to enjoy myself and be a guest. Go to the Blue Ribbon yourself. It’s worth the drive. I know my tummy was VERY satisfied.

Somethings stirring, change is coming

I can’t help but think something is bubbling up inside my core. It’s as though everything I’ve experienced in life thus far; the good, bad and very ugly, are about to come to a head in some way. Or should I say, maybe more of a point.

In life, there are waves. Waves of triumph & waves of loss. Waves that almost take you out, tumbling your body like a clothing in a dryer, slamming you to the bottom of the ocean, cracking your head, bruising more than just your pride all in an effort to remind you who the boss really is. Then, there are other times when the waves and you are one. Simply riding together, even seemingly in your favor. For just a few moments you can really feel like “the king of the world.” These times are absolute bliss and provide a much-needed manna from Heaven break so you are able to continue to the next wave or chapter of life…whatever that may be. Then there are the waves that just don’t come and you do nothing, but wait.

waves-of-emotion

The waiting game is a rough one. You spend energy searching, watching, waiting, paying attention to your surroundings and have enough time to mentally venture off to other deep thoughts or possibly superficial ones. Either way, it’s dangerous swimming in the mind…that’s when sharks arrive. CHOMP!

I’ve been waiting a long time in specific areas of my life. I’m a 35-year-old female artist whose desire in life is to sing and ride the wave of emotions with others who hear either songs I help write or notes I help sing. Hopefully healing happens, joy and even sadness, but good sadness that moves people forward in life, not the opposite. I’ve always wanted to do this, but things don’t always unfold the way we wish. Sometimes, we wait and watch the scenery. We wait and learn. We wait and almost let go….almost.

I rode some wrong waves and was schooled by the waves in my life over and over and over and over again. Not because I’m slow at understanding how the World turns or the nature of people, no. (I feel ya sister Sandra…I feel ya) Not because of some stubborn pride or false humility or even lack of desire to learn…sadly no. I wish I could say that. Past waves were diverse and colorful. They where those I was meant to meet up with and learn from, but a part of me wished they weren’t in¬†my path. ¬†I suppose that’s why I mentally quote que sera sera, Whatever will be will be (thanks Doris Day!)¬†and completely embrace the hang-loose attitude of so many. Sometimes things just happen. Nothing we can do about it, it is what it is and well…that’s it. ¬†All of my past situations have made me stronger in the long run…but man oh man has it been a looooooong run.

article-0-137121F3000005DC-235_964x642

What now? Some things in life I can predict, but others, of course, are still very new to me. I’ve been hit on all sides and although people have said they see me as someone with such joy and a “fantsy-free” spirit, I’m actually very serious. I choose joy over any other emotion…I don’t let the waves dictate how I feel long-term. If I did, I’d never move forward or desire a new wave of life to come ¬†my way. And like I said before swimming in your head during the “waiting game” is dangerous…always best to just keep swimming. ūüėČ

I feel a new wave coming...a positive one that I’ve only dreamed of. As the saying goes, the taller they are the harder they fall…I’m definetly feeling a big wave around the bend and the fall would be tremendous. This time though, I’m not afraid or even scared. This time, I feel I’ve not only been born for it...I have been conditioned. ¬†Something is stirring. I’m ready…I’m open…

wave-surfing-big-wavesbring it on.

Forgiveness Please

I must admitlife has taken me on a whirlwind of events, mysteries¬†and journey’s¬†all of which I stopped documenting here on WordPress.

PLEASE forgive me!

To make up for this horrible oversight and disrespect, I plan on writing everday…every morning and possibly evening, so that I can catch you all up. (My only time off will be once I catch-up or on big performance days)

So much has happened…for one; I’m happily married and it’s no longer a secret…yeah–THAT happened. Two; I’m singing back-up for Elvis (impersonator of course!) and we are starting to tour Casino’s…maybe one near you?? Thirdly, ¬†I’m writing songs again….it’s pouring out of me…and I’m writing my books again too! I’ve had deep loss and pain, but then overflowing love and healing all in less than a year…and I’ll share it all with you. And don’t you worry – you’ll see all my DIY’s too! YEP…I’m one of those ladies now too…well, I’ve always been a DIY person, just didn’t know it had an official title nor was I aware of all the WONDERFUL things one is able to DIY!

It’s been amazing…and I’m so thrilled to bring you all into the studio with me, into my secret-now public-marriage, ups & downs of finding my wings as a young at heart 30’s female singer and on the ballroom dance floor as a curvy shall we say voluptuous lady. (Thank God for all those ladies of history who had volume! Let us not forget the Mae Wests, Marilyn Monroe, Bessie Smith, Ella Fitzgerald and countless others who paved away for us lady performers now…and they were not on the paper-thin side. No sir-y!)

¬†Hold on to your skirt honey…it’s a title wave of wonder and you know what?! For this organizational OCD freak of serious nature…I’ve gotten to hold onto the man of my dreams who is exactly OPPOSITE of what I thought I needed, discovered the greatness I kept locked up inside me wasn’t all that bad or scary AND I like mess. Why? Well, you see ladies and gents… it’s all my mess…and I FINALLY¬†embrace it. I’ve even found my home. A very warm excepting place that is perfect in it’s imperfections…just the way I am.

Cheers to our messes! May they ever remain beautiful in our eyes.

The fly

I view the world threw a lens really. Like a photographer I tend to change the lens to match the need I have in-front of me. If I need to see an up close specimen I change my lense. My vantage point of the situation is one of focus and quiet determination. I observe all the crevices and details of the matter, sometimes taking a massive¬†amount of time snapping shot after shot of it, just to try and get the correct angle so it speaks. Every item has a story to tell, everything has a history…even a fly has been places and seen things. That fly carries with it, the remnants¬†of history and although may not have collected the parts of the world¬†you or I would like to dream of vacationing, still, the fly has captured life.

I’ve never felt so small and yet overwhelmingly connected to history as when I saw the Redwoods in California. The very air I breathed had been cleaned and filtered by the same trees that someone thousands of years ago took in. Visiting this place, not only will I return soon, but I found myself beyond normal everyday inspiration. I wanted to capture every piece of it as much as I could. I couldn’t take pictures, so I did as I had once done when I was young.

For many years, I could not afford the luxury of a camera, instead I snapped shots in my head. When I was a child I would think, “How would I take this picture if I did have a camera” and shoot away I would! From landscapes to when I got older and was singing with groups that traveled, I would “pretend” shoot and banked photos for when I need it. The same went for the Redwoods.

In those mental photography moments, I wanted not only the up close rivets and shifts of bark, but the landscape of masterful beauty in my mental bottle. I took out my broad spectrum lens for those timeless mental embossing. I view the world like a photographer….so I take pictures too, but some are only meant for my mind to see and my eyes to absorb…the rest I get to share with you.

Image